Going incognito

There is no rest or sleep in this place, just a fry of mind and body,  exuding into uninvited parts.  The gallbladder irritable. A full contact objection. I dismiss and deny and build walls, in my full automatic; the splitting and vilifying patterns. The innate wars of offering, learned by rote, handed down, instilled. I don't want to be this, and yet I do it so often, smiling false from one face to another, playing the cruel without intention. This is how I learned to speak, denying humanity, violent-silent miscommunication,  mother learned abuse. This emotional violence, wordlessly holding hostages against unfathomable walls,never being real or open, never showing, the world always kept off kilter with internalised anger. This is my mother, her legacy her seed, the un-willed will in me.  MB