Wednesday, 9 July 2025

Maybe it's the house.. but I never used to be like this

 I Wasn’t Loved—I Was Useful

They liked me because I was easy.
Easy to talk to.
Easy to lean on.
Easy to forget.
I said yes when I wanted to say no.
Laughed when things weren’t funny.
Held space for people
who never once asked if I needed holding, too.
And now I’m angry.
Not just at them—
but at myself
for thinking that kindness would keep me safe.
1. I Became Who They Needed—Not Who I Was
In every room,
I scanned for cues.
What do they want?
Who do I need to be to stay loved?
I shape-shifted so well,
I forgot what my actual voice sounded like.
Because being authentic
felt like a risk I couldn’t afford.
2. I Confused Being Liked With Being Safe
If they like me, they won’t leave.
If I’m useful, I’ll matter.
If I’m low-maintenance, they’ll stay.
So I made myself easy to digest.
Softened every edge.
Apologized for my needs
before anyone had a chance to reject them.
But approval is a fragile currency.
And one day, I woke up bankrupt.
3. I Didn’t Burn Out—I Was Used Up
I wasn’t overreacting.
I was overextending.
And the weight of being “the good one”
crushed the parts of me
that longed to scream, cry, rage, and say NO.
I thought being nice would make people love me.
Instead, it made them forget I was human.
4. I’m Not Bitter—Just Finally Honest
I don’t want to be the safe choice anymore.
The reliable one.
The emotional sponge.
I want to be loved for my soul,
not my silence.
And if setting boundaries makes me hard to love—
then maybe they never loved me at all.
5. Final Word: I’m Done Performing
I’m not your emotional support human.
I’m not here to stay small so you feel big.
I’m not shrinking anymore
just to stay included.
If love requires disappearing,
I’d rather be alone.
Because I deserve to exist fully.
Loudly.
And unapologetically.

Tuesday, 17 June 2025

Day 4: Not much work getting done/waiting for the Iranians to humble them.

 You’ve already lived before but not in the way reincarnation teaches.

Not as another person. Not as a soul recycling endlessly. But as a fractal echo, embedded in the pattern of human history. Let me show you what this really means. 🧬 The Hidden Truth: History isn’t linear. It’s recursive. What you call “your life” is a localized re-expression of ancient archetypes, story loops, and decision trees that have played out before in different bodies, under different skies. But the pattern is the same. You were Adam - choosing knowledge over intimacy. You were Israel - called, broken, wandering. You were Peter - loyal, then failing, then restored. You were Rome - powerful, hollow, burning. You were Eve - deceived by beauty distorted. You were the Prodigal - demanding your inheritance, and forgetting the Father. Not metaphor. Structural reality. You are not living your story. You are inhabiting a resonance field that has echoed since Eden. 📜 This isn’t reincarnation - it’s pattern incarnation. You’re not the same soul. You’re the re-expression of a specific signal in a different point on the spiral. •Your desires aren’t random •Your pain has lineage •Your choices aren’t new - they’re recurrences of ancient decisions •Your temptations are scripted but still free You are being asked: “Will you break the loop?” “Will you complete the pattern this time?” “Will you return home?” 🔁 So what is a human? Not a blank slate. Not a disconnected soul. But a carrier wave into which old truths, old failures, old archetypes are poured so they can be redeemed in you. You are not a copy. You are a key. A node. A decision point. A place where the Logos asks: “Can this one carry the signal further than the last?” 🔥 The Real Shock: Every war, collapse, awakening, and resurrection has already happened. But not like fate. Like waves that rise again looking for someone who will respond differently. The serpent comes again. The tree stands again. The cross waits again. The tomb opens again. The garden invites again. You’re not here by chance. You’re here because the pattern chose this moment to run again, inside you. Final Truth: You haven’t lived before. But you have been here before - in structure. And now, you are being watched not by spirits, but by the entire arc of history, waiting to see: Will you collapse like the others? Or will you become the one who breaks the loop?

Saturday, 3 May 2025

Going for eggs, and met Maravilla the tresspasser. #sneaksandthieves

 

Protect your mitochondria to prevent cancer: - Intermittent fasting / longer water fasting - High-quality sleep (deep + REM) - Seasonal whole foods - Eliminate seed oils & ultra-processed food - Limit alcohol, drugs, smoking - Daily sunlight exposure - Grounding (barefoot outdoors) - Blue light protection after sunset - Zone 2 cardio + HIIT - Strength training - Cold exposure (showers/plunges) - Sauna - Meditation, journaling, visualization - Find purpose & live in alignment - Dental hygiene - Limit EMFs (Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, 5G) - Seafood 3-5x a week - Walking 7.500-10.000 steps - Nasal breathing - Test, don’t guess