Nobody treats me like an afterthought Abs: enduring reflective practice

 

Still pissed at Donners.

The  boundaries goul.

He liked to watch behind the light, beyond the curtain

He like to touch, disturb, small spaces, closed eyes, soft bodies, that were nto his. 

He liked to feel behind the line in all things done in darkness,. hard, and rotten things, beyond the breakings that should nto be seen. 

He liked the hard horror, of the war, that fled in pieces. The whole body desecrations. Obliterations. Abominations. The obscene.

So much so that he liked to touch, in secret, and in public, private places, like a ghoul who slid, in to others'  folds that were not his/unseen. MB

Readjusting the gates of stress.

 

The knife butcher

The knife was in .. moving against it's own serrations, within the shallow breaths even as his boot stood heavy. Laced and still muddy - Firm upon her chest. He poured in-searching for intimacy - the moment of maximal hurting. She tried to move but it was all struck dumb, Closed contact, cloying within the throat, like some ungurgled scream, thick in the slip of it's own choke. So Instead she closed her eyes, The last effort of will against the glare of his weight as her breath turned to crimson, as her lungs began to drown. Til nothing could rise. Her soul was scattering into a thousand places. For every part of her was a sorrow now marked in a protestation of eternal innocence, that would not release itself- except for  a single fragile tear that would not cry/come . MB

Deliveries and backup

 8 Traits of a Narcissist:

1 Grandiose sense of importance 2 Strong sense of entitlement 3 Excessively envious 4 Arrogant in specific ways 5 Lack empathy 6 Oversensitive to criticism 7 They shift blame 8 They are controlling

https://www.salon.com/2023/01/26/the-8-traits-that-will-help-you-identify-a-narcissist/

replacing the bits..

 

The duke of Burgundy.

She had changed, the sweet had gone, it no longer  stuck or flowed like gentle night jasmine. Instead she crumbled on awkward hips, that over threw their weight, tearing her form side to side, a searing jolting pain . It was his mark. carried over from Burgundy, in and between the wars. Thick and tary in all his full, and murderous, plays; each one a sabotage, each one a deliberately, ruining aim. MB

it's a psychic attack. Revisited October 11.( a new place to drink hot chocolate in Hayes)

 Nurture and strengthen your mind and body with pure essential oil blends of bergamot, patchouli, Atlas cedarwood, vetiver and sandalwood. According to Chinese philosophy, 'Earth' relates to the nourishment and strengthening of mind and body. Earth oil blend may assist during times of stress and exhaustion.

When you've been the victim of a narcissist/ when you are feeling unappreciated it just means it's you who is breaking your own boundary.

 Laurie Cure, CEO of Denver-based consulting firm Innovative Connections and author of Leading Without Fear (Tate Publishing, 2012), offers a comprehensive list of red flags signaling narcissistic workplace behavior:

*Unwillingness to be challenged or questioned.
*Requiring excessive levels of loyalty, praise and adoration.
*Struggling to accept and incorporate feedback.
*Not considering other people's opinions or not engaging them in conversations about problem-solving or changes.
*Caring very little for the needs of others in the organization or on the team. (For example, saying, "It doesn't matter if you miss your child's game; work is more important.")
*Often making decisions unilaterally and without involving other stakeholders.
*Exhibiting signs of narcissistic behaviors, such as a grandiose sense of self-importance, fantasized talent or expertise, or arrogance.
*Focusing on self-image and ensuring that others perform in a way that elevates one's own public image or reputation.
*Demanding and seeking high degrees of personal and positional power to ensure control.
*Spending a great deal of time and effort ensuring the ability to be with power players and high-status individuals in the organization.
*Using fear, guilt, shame, punishment and manipulation to gain compliance and control.
*Exhibiting extremely competitive behavior.
*Taking personal credit for the work of individuals or the team.

Establish strong and healthy boundaries. To prevent narcissistic behavior, managers need to define firm borders. "If you're clear on expectations, then the next step is to stand firm in those boundaries," Cure said. "That's especially important in not tolerating certain behaviors. Name-calling, angry outbursts, manipulation, dominating the conversation should never be encouraged or allowed."

" According to Sam Vaknin in his video “Narcissistic boss or Employer: Coping and Survival Tactics” employees become the property of the Narc and walk on thin ice around him due to his very fragile yet bloated ego. The only way to survive under his management is to constantly flatter him and obey his every command. Dare to have your own opinion or disagree with him, and you risk his violent wrath."

"They are also quite prone to name-dropping and buying their friends (they appear very generous and are keen to pay for people’s drinks when out socially as a way to impress and gain trust)"

" Now is the time to be vigilant because you can be 100% sure you are being discredited behind your back with vicious lies and rumours. The Narc wants to look good and to do that he has to make you look bad. Never, ever confront the Narc for you will be completely destroyed. "

" Do not expect a personal or business recommendation from the Narc if you worked for him. The only things you will get are vicious lies designed to discredit and destroy you. They use and viciously abuse people and you will always find a battlefield of victims in their wake if you look closely."

"The narcissistic leader will also be prone to psychosis - imagining things that are unreal despite evidence to the contrary (Vaknin, 2017), to establish unreliability and unethical practices on your part to destroy and tarnish your career"

" Recognize it is not personal: The narcissistic leader usually zeros in on people who are performing and or are better, or more intelligent than them within the workforce environment. Hence, you may have the misfortune of being their main target. The narcissistic leader hates anyone that is perceived as "better" than them." https://www.noveltyjournals.com/upload/paper/The%20Wrath%20of%20the%20Narcissistic%20Leader-1336.pdf 

" Why did the Narc target me? If you are a warm, sensitive and empathic person who cares about others, and you're highly agreeable and conscientious, chances are you have been targeted by Narcs. Narcs will also specifically target people in vulnerable positions (single women with children, someone new in town who hasn’t yet made friends, someone recovering from a recent trauma like a death in the family, a personal accident, or someone suffering from depression, etc.)"

" These people are not operating in integrity or truth. There can be no joy gained from working with these types. Working with them while being targeted as their punchbag will not only harm your career in the long run, it will also harm your health."

"Because this is unfortunately, ‘standard’ behaviour of Narcissists. They are both malicious and vindictive. I’ve seen it and experienced it. It’s just ‘what they do’.

For any perceived slight, argument, disagreement or failing to give them their ‘narcissist supply’ you can quickly find yourself the victim of a ‘smear’ campaign.

And they will LIE. Even if it means turning the entire proceedings/story on its head. You will be the fall guy. The bad person. They will have been terribly done by.

You can’t appeal to them. Won’t work. They would just delight and get off on that.

All you can do is confront anyone who’s been a recipient of their malicious rumouring and tell them, if they’ll listen, your side of it. If they won’t then ditch them.

It may be that in time their lies will be exposed. I certainly had that. Some folk began to apologise and say they had actually seen what the person was really like. I still ditched them. Tough but they had actually revealed their real feelings toward me, earlier!

Difficult if at work or with family. Tough call. Keep your head up and press on. You know the truth. And as hard as it is I don’t think there’s anything else to be done, or gained.

There are some nasty bastards walking our planet. We pass them in the street, we rub shoulders with them at work and play. They exist. It’s very unfair.

But that’s the way it is.

Good luck…"

" They are immature and seems to be highly envious of you? Hence they need you to look bad. So they can look good it's a classic move"

" You inadvertantly provoke a narcissist in public by saying something that is likely to trigger narcissistic rage, such as questioning their talent or skills or openly criticizing them."

" The smear campaign is one of the most damaging and isolating experiences one can face. Don't respond. Stand in your truth, know your value and move forward in silence! Success is the sweetest revenge! "

" The narcissist will never accept their loss or feel remorse or apologize.It is pointless to argue or attempt to get them to come around and see your point of view. That will never happen. Your best bet is to skillfully avoid and / or navigate around them.Your best bet is to recognize the narcissism at play, and plan your boundary-setting. Control your own ego and your need to win. You can use these moments for personal growth by letting go of the need to be right or prove a point."

" your'e being accused of all the things the narcissist has done and has projected on to you.. they want to bury you, they want to destroy you, because they want to kill these parts off in themselves"

" It is so incredibly hard to accept, but the devaluing the narcissist is demonstrating is truly not personal - even though it feels COMPLETELY personal! The narcissist doesn’t care about you in that way. They care about themselves. Hurting you is just a byproduct of their actions. They MUST devalue you in order to deflect from their own shortcomings and faults. However, because of this, a narcissist on the warpath is EXTREMELY dangerous! I say that because they do NOT care about you, so they will do some of the worst things imaginable to destroy your reputation without a care or thought as to how it may affect you later on down the line! "

1. You give more in your relationships

You have a hard time saying no, often stifle your thoughts or opinions for fear of disturbing the peace, and your thoughts and actions are often with others in mind (not your own wants and needs.)

2. You are a People Pleaser

You feel compelled to take care of others. You have poor boundaries and often feel taken for granted. You may feel hurt or resentful if you are not appreciated for all that you are doing for others (especially if you feel you are making many sacrifices for others).

3. You find yourself needing to be needed

Your partner/close friend/family member is struggling in one way or another (addiction, illness, constant drama, etc.) Their need for you makes you feel valued, wanted and important.

4. You are emotionally reactive

Your emotions come to the surface quicker than you have time to think at times. This leaves you feeling out of control when your emotions have hijacked you.

5. You need to feel in control

This could be over-controlling emotions, deciding how you feel rather than tuning into the emotions that are coming up for you (often referred to as “Toxic Positivity”). This could also mean trying to control the actions, opinions, or emotions of someone else.

6. You avoid conflict

You don’t express your own thoughts or needs because you are afraid that if you do it will upset other people. You put your own values aside to make other people happy. And you set your own problems aside to focus on the problems of others.

7. Low Self Esteem or Low Sense of Self

When your purpose comes solely from pleasing others, it is easy to lose sight of yourself or feel lost. When you put others first you are sending a message to yourself that you are not important or worthy. This can make you dive deeper into the above behaviours.

Earlier I mentioned Empaths. The term is very “New Age” and many Codependents can be considered Empaths and actually share many of the same traits. According to an article in PsychAlive “Psychologists may use the term empath to describe a person that experiences a great deal of empathy, often to the point of taking on the pain of others at their own expense.” The article goes on to describe the pros and cons of being an Empath in more detail.

“There are many benefits of being an empath. On the bright side, empaths tend to be excellent friends. They are superb listeners. They consistently show up for friends in times of need. They are big-hearted and generous. Empaths also tend to be highly intuitive and emotionally intelligent.

However, some of the very qualities that make empaths such fantastic friends can be hard on the empaths themselves. Because empaths quite literally feel what their friends are going through, they can become overwhelmed by painful emotions, such as anxiety or anger. Empaths have a tendency to take on the problems of others as their own. It is often difficult for them to set boundaries for themselves and say no, even when too much is being asked of them.”

Sounds exactly like a Codependent to me! 

If you do happen to embrace the label of being an Empath, just be aware that, like with Codependency, I believe it’s a mental health issue that requires intervention and constant self-reflection and self-work to manage.

In my 20’s and married to an alcoholic who was in and out of rehab, I was recommended to join AlAnon, an organization that has a recovery program for Codependents who basically practice the same 12 step recovery program that alcoholics do at AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). I literally had no idea I was a Codependent at the time. Once I understood this I began to understand why I kept attracting abusive people into my life. 

My recovery journey has literally been a lifelong one. Today, decades later, I still struggle with setting healthy boundaries and I still get manipulated into compromising my boundaries at times.

It took many run-ins with vicious Narcs for me to finally wake up and realize that it was my Codependency that was inviting the constant abuse. If I wanted to stop being abused by Narcs, I would have to work even harder on healing myself. Very recently I plucked up the courage to distance myself from certain family members who refused to stop bullying me, despite several requests for them to treat me with more respect.

I honestly believe that we teach people how to treat us. If we accept even just a little bit of disrespect, that disrespect can easily grow into abuse.

One of my greatest challenges in life, besides learning to maintain healthy boundaries, has been to practice assertiveness. I’ve had to learn how to communicate to people what my boundaries are and when they are crossed. And I often have to do that a few times with the same people until they get it. I learned that it was ok to let people know what behavior I was not willing to accept and I learned that communicating my boundaries would make some people very angry. I also learned that I didn’t need to manage anyone's feelings about my personal boundaries.  If you feel taken advantage of and abused a lot, perhaps it’s time to look in the mirror and own your “stuff” and recognize the reasons why you are a soft target for abusers. These days I have fewer run-ins with Narcs because I can see them coming from 100 miles away.

I hope this article helped you recognize how you might be unconsciously inviting abuse into your life. You are not alone. There is help out there and you can become stronger and more assertive with therapy and counseling to the point where you begin to have fewer run-ins with Narcs.

copyright MB

MB

The house is very trying/ hanging with the tension of no firends since paula left/ Making bread for pitchforks.

 

Sasha

She does not want the good thing in her hand. It is too bright for her, too strong, too burning. It is a discomfort, an infestation- so instead she becomes the subtle rising to my falling in the chaos of wanting to belong throat. That no comfort place. Too high above the ground, riding the currents alone. She likes small circles and bright things. Things that do not give, things that let her down. Every part of her is a liar, and yet I seek admittance to this blood dead heart with the jet black tongue. It is loneliness, because  with her there is no light, or give, or mutual offering; she is entirely dormant, like the false rays of a false sun-  tearing the world up, leaving the world wrong.I am both hooked, enthralled and simultaneously rejected . I need a friend, I want support, and yet with her I am pesistently rejected. She must never be the thing I want. MB

Breathing air in a house via the gaps near the floor.

 

Chris.

I remember the first time I saw him, sat back, leaning on his chair - relaxed, in a room full of other kinds of people. Their superficial activity contrasting with the stillness of his soul. His vibe, a tribe I immediately recognised and gravitated towards, as if it was my own. We had a sweet unfurling after that, mutual, even though I still approached the wire with caution. And at each step of subsequent nearness; a natural kind of acceptance would emerge; one I would be amazed by- with none of the usual rejection and or fleeing away on foot. It seemed clearly, that,for this one, I was not too much. For he seemed to hold me tight and as precious as they come. It was all heart, the way he walked and talked the perimeters of my lines, not fleeing or fainting like the rest. Clearly, I was not too much in this meeting of intelligent hearts and minds. I needed that, I thought he was the best. I believed i'd made contact and a friend. I have no explanation for what came after that. I wonder if he was a small man, a thin man, a man with bending bones, a man for whom the weight of a large female body became too much; that perhaps it impinged upon and threw him out of his own orbit; all those heavy mounds and heavenly- coils of emotional female flesh. This older woman story, with the scratchy walls, and the past that burrows into sometimes mess. I Wonder if his legs began to seize and buckle, as he first took, and then sank within the weight. Whether his eyes bulged as his manhood shrank with a stomach that rolled in big, nauseous, not-quite so-grown-up- enough-mature-man waves. I wonder if it was the pressure of saying yes, when the shrinking tongue inside him, could not say no. I dont know what unmet need it was, that caused this sweet young lamb of a boy to break his vows and go. I do not want to scratch or bite or break the past, or diminish the soft light of sweet intensity with which it glowed. In all honesty it  would makes no sense or difference; except to say that the air has gone and all the fields now lie silent; bathed only in a red flush of poppies; their broken stalks and black-eyed gaze, the only indentations in a newly dug, and as yet corpse-less, unidentified grave. MB

Last words on chris.

 

I dont care who it is. ( the last of christos)

 I guess Im referring to that monstrous murderous primal violation energy, projected against woman creatrix/ mother God. The rage and entitlement of disconnection/separation.

As an aside I know plenty of " normal" men who had present fathers and stable families, who when the chips are down, will without a second thought instantly resort to the intensely felt and sincerely uttered: " bitch!!" . I think it was germaine who said most women have absolutely no idea, just how much menz hate them?  MB

Christos is a C word/ dare she try friendship again?

 

I release you Christos. Granada/Guitar/chair marcus cafe alcazabar avoidance/connect

 Let go the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing. Stop having hard conversations with people who don't want change.

Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it's a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.

When you begin to fight for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you in this place.

This doesn't mean you need to change what you are, it means you should let go of the people who aren't ready to accompany you.

If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you don't do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life. The truth is that you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you.

That's what makes it so special when you meet people who reciprocate love. You will know how precious you are.

The more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to, the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of this connection to someone else.

There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will meet with you at your level of interest and commitment.

The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want.

Maybe if you stop showing up, you won't be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn't mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it's attachment. It's wanting to give a chance to those who don't deserve it. You deserve so much, there are people who should not be in your life.

The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence.

When you realise this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don't suit you and shouldn't be around you, your energy is stolen.

You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′′compatible′′ people are allowed.

You are not responsible for saving anyone. You are not responsible for convincing them to improve. It's not your work to exist for people and give your life to them! If you feel bad, if you feel compelled, you will be the root of all your problems, fearing that they will not return the favours you have granted. It's your only obligation to realize that you are the love of your destiny and accept the love you deserve.

Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don't waste time with people who are not worth it.

Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve.

Brianna Wiest

Avoiding the men on the roof.

 Travels with a Donkey in the Cevenne by Robert Louis Stevenson:

before deciding; yet as soon as he was set free from service he returned to finish his novitiate.

Ophelia and the leak. Dancing the dead/The Franco tales.

A rounded body on a not straight head. It comes with awkwardness, the scene of  many battles. Curse of the non-beautiful and the  aesthetically dead. He hates himself, it is his shield; hardened and bolted to  a deep abiding lock. Nothing moves or yields within. Everything is shut. Solid as a rock. The squinting child. I imagine his mother was an acre of a woman; with great folds and dull instincts. Her body a forge to his distaste. Wide hips and bitter milk? Did he nestle in close with a strong naked-need, only to gag and gulp on all the love she left out?  MB

Copyright MB

 

Download day on the sofa/once aligned the money will be easy..

 Surround yourself with people who are capable of love and empathy and affection.

I reside in the half base, the non committed line. A place of storing things for later, with non attached eyes on the exits, biding time.  Major fault lines of existence, delinquents in the cosmic glow; Resounding frequencies  of  intergalactic, seismic continental changes; and once in a millennia universal flows. The great wheel turning. MB

.