That 1/2 day last friday Tolu papers part II

She could not speak, so the heavy sat soemwhere in her back, a heavy girth - shoulder width. It was a vowed silence, rooted deep. Like some turned key glum around her neck, each step trudging heavy.

Between the thoughts + threaded, lapsing fading ways. In the very slum of it, she could not see a way to give it back.

Someone elses' trouble. Emotional-prison-complex. Pride +avarice. Arrogance+judgement; spat out and spewed upon her through the gap filled teeth, of an openly proud mouth.

She had taken the turn, stayed for the sour and rotten. Open ended brief. The shit of others. MB

Tomb lady: The Tolu papers.

 The blanket of you is over me- doubling as a shroud, You down my speak into wordlessness. I gather at your wake, with all the other dead harbringers that go to you, to give their ground. You are the lady of the lake, you are the lady of the drown, the place where truthful aspiring happy speak, is swallowed under ground. I wish I had never consented to this tomb of an embrace. MB

The sacrificial me. ( yoga in the afternoon)

 

In Cognitive Psychology the action of sacrificing and denying our own needs, wishes and beliefs in order to please others, their needs and wishes instead, is called subjugation. When we do this, we are essentially treating ourselves as less important than other people.

Typically, people who are subjugated, display some common traits. These are:

• Being eager to please others at the cost of their own needs
• Feeling that they are responsible for the well-being and happiness of others, resulting in taking care of others
• Feeling guilty for prioritizing themselves
• Being prone to seeking the approval of others
• Worrying that saying no or confronting a subjugator will result in rejection and anger
• Feeling guilty
• Being prone to anxiety
• Feeling that they do not have control over their own lives and choices or that others control them
• Being unable to take major decisions for themselves
• Being unable to express their own thoughts, opinions and needs

The reason for becoming subjugated may be because we feel obliged to help others (self-sacrifice) based on a belief or conviction that we hold, i.e. it’s my responsibility to take care of this, or that we somehow feel responsible for the well-being, happiness, needs and wishes of the ones who are close to us (parents, children, siblings, friends, partners, colleagues). This can even be extended to acquaintances and strangers that we perceive as less fortunate or more in need. In some cases, it can even be an inability to deal with the control, power and influence that people seem to hold over us (submissiveness). While everyone else seems to have control over their lives and choices, we do not and it’s in this out of control position that we are more easily influenced and subjugated.

With time, we can start to feel exhausted, suffocated, oppressed and burdened by this weight and responsibility. Eventually we start to lose the ability to claim our freedom because all the choices we make depends on what is needed by others first. Life can start to lose its sparkle and, as we start to deprive ourselves of our own needs, we also start to lose focus on what is the purpose of our life. As a sense of loss of fulfilment sets in, we might also start to resent others.

But brace yourself: this vicious circle can be stopped!

Seeing Through New Eyes

“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.” ~Maya Angelou

The turning point was realizing my cruelty. My kindness to others had blinded me to how cruel I was being to myself. Trying harder and beating myself up for where I was failing was just more cruelty.

However much I did, no gold star was ever going to come from outside to officially certify I was “enough.” If I was to become a truly kind person I needed to start learning to be kind to myself.

It was hard. I had to stop constantly being the most helpful person around. But in my mind, at least, that’s who I was. My profession, my relationships, and my identity were all based on that. If I wasn’t that, what was left?

I was like an addict in withdrawal. Without the regular feel-good boosts of appreciation from others, I had to face all the difficult feelings I’d had about myself for as long as I could remember—the guilt, fear, and insecurity I’d developed when I was a sensitive kid who felt like he didn’t belong and always thought he had something to compensate for, atone for, or prove.

But at least I was now pointing in the right direction, so every step was progress.

Each week was a little better than the last. Spotting when I was being too self-critical and learning to be kinder. Holding back from fixing a problem someone could easily fix for themselves.

For example, unless my partner specifically asked me to help solve a problem for her, I learned to empathize, encourage, and support her so she could work it out for herself.

Stepping back meant some things didn’t get done, took longer, or went wrong. But sometimes they went better than if I’d tried to fix them. Who knew? And sometimes the person asking decided it wasn’t important after all.

More importantly, though, by learning to hold back I was allowing others the space to develop, while weaning myself off the quick, feel-good boosts I got from helping others.

Of course, this didn’t happen overnight. Changing deep patterns takes time. But each small change sets you up for the next one. It’s a gradual positive, self-reinforcing cycle.

So what did I learn?

Be Your Own Best Friend

If people tell you you are your own worst enemy, how about becoming your own best friend?

Many of us are better friends to others than we are to ourselves. We’re kinder, more supportive, and more willing to stand up for their needs.

You’ve heard the “golden rule”: “Treat others how you would like to be treated.” That holds true the other way too. Treat yourself how you would treat a good friend.

If you wouldn’t say something to a good friend, don’t say it to yourself.

If you wouldn’t ask a friend to put up with something, don’t put up with it yourself.

You’re as much part of nature as they are and just as important. Plus, looking after yourself is your job!

Make Friends With Your Flaws

You’re not perfect.

Big news: No one else is either.

Even bigger news: You don’t have to be. Thinking you have to be perfect is part of the problem.

You don’t have to make up for simply existing. You don’t have to be gooder than good.

No one can give you the gold star that certifies you as “enough.” And you can’t get it through your accomplishments, how good you have been, or how many people you have helped today. You have to learn to give it to yourself. It’s your basic pass for being part of nature.

This doesn’t mean you’re perfect. You’re not. It means making friends with your flaws.

Support Yourself

There’s a humorous office sign that reads “The beatings will continue until morale improves!” We laugh at the sign, but many of us carry an idea that the harsher we are to ourselves, the more likely we are to change.

The opposite is true. Research shows that people who are compassionate toward themselves are better able to take on feedback, grow, and change. They find it easier to adapt because they’re already comfortable with themselves.

They’re less fragile because their whole sense of identity isn’t on the line. They know that what they did isn’t who they are. They can open up, connect, and learn.

Self-compassion doesn’t mean glossing over your failures or challenges. It means supporting yourself while you’re putting them right.

Stop Putting Yourself Last

You’re not so special that you need to be last.

This isn’t about becoming selfish. It’s about balance. You’re as deserving of love and good things as anyone else. Not more. Not less.

You might need to learn how to be more assertive. That could be difficult at first. Support yourself while you’re learning.

Be Patient

It isn’t always easy. It takes time. But once you’re pointing in the right direction, you’ll start feeling better each week. And as you feel better about yourself, you’ll feel less of a need to be everyone else’s hero in order to receive their appreciation and validation. And you’ll become as good a friend to yourself as you are to everyone else.

About Andrew Cain

Andrew Cain helps people who are “too nice for their own good” become better friends to themselves by teaching them how to stop rescuing and people pleasing, get on their own side, and stand up for themselves without feeling selfish.  You can get his free Love Yourself guided meditation and Get On Your Own Side course here.

• Web
 | 
• More Posts

 

Dirty old man games..

Fuck you and your handsies; old crumbly Mr mansie; you and that ogling drooling eye; drag- draggling your hard-on across my parade.. No I won't let it slide.. blackened by the kick from my thigh,  I'll gladly  tread you under foot. There's no more borrowing from my lunch. From here on in, every fucking touch is going to cost you. Are we clear old man?  MB