Codependents need to feel needed
Codependents gravitate towards people they can take care of – this could be someone who struggles with addiction, mental or physical illness, emotional immaturity, and so forth. This puts the codependent in a position to help, fix, or rescue.
As codependents, caretaking feeds our self-esteem, our need to be needed, and gives us a sense of purpose. We may also hold a false belief that as long as we’re needed, we won’t be abandoned or rejected. So, caretaking gives us a sense of security.
Codependent caretaking lacks boundaries
Boundaries help to differentiate one person from another. When you have strong boundaries, you’re clear about what’s your responsibility and what’s not. You’re aware of your feelings and don’t let other people’s feelings become your own. You’re clear about what you like and dislike. And you understand what you need and do things to meet those needs.
But codependent caretaking is based on enmeshed boundaries. Codependents try to solve other people’s problems or do things for them (which can lead to enabling). We offer unsolicited advice. We force our ideas and solutions without taking into account what our loved ones want. In other words, our caretaking doesn’t always respect their preferences, abilities, and right to self-determination. In fact, to others, it can feel more like meddling than caring.
Codependents become obsessed with other people and their problems
Our enmeshed boundaries can also contribute to obsessing about other people and their problems. We act as if their problems are our own and feel compelled to do things for them under the guise of helping or caring. We spend a lot of time and energy worrying, researching, and trying to help, fix, or rescue.
Sometimes, we get so focused on other people and their problems that we have trouble stepping away and letting others do things in their own way and in their own time. We persist in trying to help even when doing so is detrimental to ourselves and our loved ones.
Our poor boundaries and compulsion to “help” also makes it hard for us to take care of ourselves. Our focus is on what other people need so much so that we don’t pay attention to our own needs, which means we become exhausted, sick, and unfulfilled. And when we don’t cultivate our hobbies and other relationships, we become even more fixated on our loved one’s problems and what we can do about them. We often feel compelled to give unsolicited advice, to impose our solutions and ideas on others, and try to get them to solve their problems according to our directives. This rarely works – and thus, we’re left feeling frustrated, unappreciated, and resentful.
Questions to help you differentiate codependency and caring
The difference between codependency and caring may still be unclear at times. Try asking yourself the following questions to help make the distinction.
- Do I feel compelled to help or fix someone?
- Is it difficult for me to focus on my own needs?
- Do I worry a lot about someone else and their problems?
- Am I helping or enabling?
- Am I helping in a way that encourages independence or dependence?
- Do I feel empty, purposeless, or anxious when I don’t help someone?
- Do I give unsolicited advice or try to help in ways that aren’t wanted or appreciated?
- Do I feel guilty if I don’t exhaust every possible way to help someone?
- Do I give or help in ways that negatively affect me?
- Do I feel more comfortable giving than receiving help? Do I avoid asking for help?
- Do I feel superior or like I have all the answers -- if only others would listen?
- Are my relationships unbalanced because I give but don’t receive?
- Am I helping because I want to or do I feel like I have to?
- Have I asked the other person if they want help or what kind of help they want?
You can’t solve other people’s problems
According to codependency expert Melody Beattie, “Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve, and that worrying doesn’t help.” (Codependent No More, 1992, page 60)
Detaching is a way off of the “relationship rollercoaster”. Detaching allows you to take care of yourself, honor your own feelings and needs, and let go of the guilt and shame that result from taking responsibility for other people’s bad choices.
What is detaching?
Al-Anon (a 12-Step group for people affected by someone else’s alcoholism) describes detachment with this acronym:
Don’t
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him/Her
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him/Her
Detaching means you stop trying to force the outcome that you want.
Detach with love
We use the term “detach with love” to remind us that detaching is a loving action. Detaching doesn’t mean pushing people away or not caring about them. Detaching isn’t angry or withholding love. It’s letting go of controlling and worrying and putting responsibility back on the individual.
Detaching also isn’t cutting ties or ending a relationship (although, at times, that can be the healthiest choice). Detaching helps you to stay in relationship and not lose your sense of self.
Detaching is similar to setting boundaries. Detaching puts healthy emotional or physical space between you and your loved one in order to give you both the freedom to make your own choices and have your own feelings. I think of detaching as untangling your life from someone else’s – so that your feelings, beliefs, and actions aren’t driven as a response to what someone else is doing.
A popular Al-Anon reading advises: “I must detach myself from his [the alcoholic’s] shortcoming, neither making up for them nor criticizing them. Let me learn to play my own role, and leave his to him. If he fails in it, the failure is not mine, no matter what others may think or say about it” (One Day At a Time in Al-Anon, 1987, page 29).
Examples of Detaching
Emotional or psychological detachment:
- Respond don’t react. Take time to figure out what you want to say and say it when you’re calm rather than being quick to react in the moment.
- Respond in a new way. For example, instead of taking it personally or yelling, shrug off a rude comment or make a joke of it. This changes the dynamics of the interaction.
- Allow people to make their own (good or bad) decisions.
- Don’t give advice or tell people what they should do.
- Don’t obsess about other people’s problems.
- Set emotional boundaries by letting others know how to treat you.
- Give your expectations a reality check. Unrealistic expectations are often the source of frustration and resentment.
- Do something for yourself. Notice what you need right now and try to give it to yourself.
- “Stay on your side of the street” (based on a 12-Step slogan). A reminder to deal with your own problems and not interfere with other people’s choices.
Physical detachment:
- Choose not to visit your alcoholic parent or dysfunctional family member (or arrive late and leave early).
- Leave (potentially) dangerous situations.
It gets easier
As I mentioned earlier, detaching is something that you will need to practice. It goes counter to a codependent’s nature, but it’s possible when you work at it. You’re stronger and more capable than you may think. Detaching is a way out of the chaos, worry, and emotional pain you’re experiencing. Detaching isn’t something that you must do “all or nothing”. Begin where you are, practice and learn, and in time you’ll see that detaching is not only possible, but freeing.
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